Big and fat human

I have obesity. I am way past overweight. At least this statue looks nice. It has curves. I never had curves. When I was skinny I had no ass. Haha. I was real skinny. All my teens I was skinny and people thought I should go up in weight. I was tall and skinny. Then I passed 23 and I started gaining weight. Guess my cooking wasn’t good for me. No longer a mum that cooked good food. Well. I gained and gained.

Then I got my first permanent job and I was finally happy and lost that weight. I went to normal weight. But then I got sick and couldn’t train for a half year. I lost my work to the IT crash. After that I gained weight. And then when I started training again I never could loose that weight. I got tired of training five days a week with no results, even though I ate accordingly to weight watchers. The sickness most likely did that. Well anyway. I then stopped training… hehe… I gained another 40kg after that. Well. I am obese. Severe. Really fat. I don’t look like the statue, I don’t have curves. I am just big. The statue has more ass. But I guess I have such a big belly, not the ass and thighs though, mine are smaller. My arms might be that size. Not the tits, they are smaller. Well. I actually like the statues curves. But no where near this curveless body shape.

I have stretchmarks. I don’t wanna go swimming. I am so fucking fat. If I was single I wouldn’t even wanna date, since I am scared of rejection because I am so fucking fat. I know there are fat admirers, but I don’t want one of those if I would be single. I just want pure love, you know someone that loves you what ever you look like. Wish my partner did. I know my partner is not attracted to this fat body I got, even though it still has sex with me and is attracted to me a as person. It does like and care for me. But I am not its taste right now. No wonder. Not even I have confidence to think I am anything to have or hold. Haha. Not concerning looks anyways. I look good in pictures, when you don’t see my body. But that is not how I look.

I am ugly really. Fat and ugly. I don’t walk around smiling. I look nice when I smile, but mostly I don’t smile. I have a serious face most of the time. It is not attractive. So I am ugly most of the time. It is not an issue other than if I was single. I am not. I am married. I haven’t been single for all my adulthood. I have been in a relationship most of the time. Short periods I have been single. Well. I don’t have to worry about the market, but going out to a club isn’t an option, because my confidence doesn’t really allow that. I feel ugly. Even if I would go with friends I wouldn’t feel comfortable. I wouldn’t fit the dancefloor for a club. So I wouldn’t go. It doesn’t matter, I am too old for parties and I am not attracted to clubs anyway. I wanna be home or visit friends. Yeah. I guess that is a true statement of my situation. But I don’t go around thinking I am ugly. I really don’t care about myself and how I look. But others value me. That is annoying. I am ugly. I am really, really fat. I have a really big belly. I am butch. Yeah. I guess that is a correct description. I try to dress nice. But I look really big since I am big. I am tall and heavy and ugly. Yeah. That is right. Let me be as I am.

I think I have shrunk in lenght. My partner seems taller… my partner also thinks I have shrunk to around 170cm. Who knows, I might even be shorter… So 3 cm off. Haha. All that weight… the world is fixated around weight. I have two diagnoses that give obesity. Then my medicine gives obesity as well. I am also immobilised because of my diagnosis from my accidents. I have asthma and allergies, those don’t help me exercise really. They make it worse. Well. Anyway. I am a fat person, even though I have a moving job and move around all day at work. I don’t sit much during the day. When I am home I sit a lot. I don’t go out walking. I am immobilised.

So I eat too much compared to what energy I use and then the diagnosises added to that. I guess I need to starve and move around more… but it is uncertain I can loose that much weight. I won’t do surgery. I am so scared of such solutions. I am really scared of those. So I say no thanks. I qualified 30kg ago…just saying. I am really fat, ugly and immobilised and have bad health. So it’s a mircale I have a partner. Well. I have to dress nice for the opera. Hmm… I don’t feel pretty. I am ugly and fat. But I will go anyway. I cannot change myself just like that. It would take time to loose weight. I would be glad if I weighed under 100kg. I would still be fat. But I don’t weigh under 100kg, I am way past that. My relatives are also fat. They too have fought obesity all their lifes. My grandmother is really heavy and big and over 90 years old. Well… bad genes.

I could  not have children when I was ready, I was too overweight. The doctor just said I needed to loose weight to be fertile. But I have another problem too, I lack a hormone and there are no synthetic replacements. I do have eggs, but they mature and then they shrink, they never break loose. That most likely is the reason that contributed to me being infertile. I adopted a kid instead. I couldn’t have had such a beautiful child myself. I never wanted to have biological children. I have planned to adopt since I was a child. My partner wanted a real one, but then understood it wasn’t going to happen just like that. I could have gotten invitro. It would have worked. I could have gotten eggs from a friend, but I didn’t want to. The waiting period was long and we where getting too old for adopting. I also needed to loose weight… We where not allowed to do both invitro and adopt, so we chose to adopt. Our kid will never have siblings, since our kid wasn’t ready for those until my partner was to old. This year I too will be to old to adopt. Our kid is ready now for siblings, but will never have any.

Our siblings haven’t gotten any children either, so our kid is the only grandchild so far in our families. I won’t have anymore children. My partner is really fertile and can have as many children as it wants. But I have no oggulation, since I lack the hormone that is needed for that process. I actually think it’s a blessing since I never wanted biological children. I am scared of that process. I have a bad back. I am also overweight. I have asthma. My partners mum died after the pregnancy by asthma after carrying my partner. Guess if I am scared of that? I am. I don’t want biological kids ever. I am glad I turn older this year. I expect to enter menopaus within 3 years, just as my mother. I am thankful. I will never have any biological kids. I don’t want any. I never wanted to carry kids to this world. I will never carry a child. Never ever. My choice. I never liked my genes, they are bad. Both mentally and physically our genes are bad, not my partners, but mine are. I wanted to care for those already here. So I am. I have one. I wanted 2, but that won’t happen. It’s alright. It is as it is. I have pets instead.

So even if I would be single I will never have any more kids of my own. One child is enough. I cannot even adopt anymore, since I am to old now.

One day I was a 20 year old, with dirty blonde long hair, skinny and healthy. One day two decades later I was old, fat, had grey short hair and was sickly. But I still live a life to the fullest. I work, study and try to get by. Life works against me, but I cope with that. I set goals I wanna set. Then I do those. I don’t set that many.

 

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4 Comments

  1. Human-
    We all tend to be hard on ourselves; whether we are overweight, too small, too short, too tall, etc.. We have to realize we are HUMAN and we are not PERFECT. Love the skin you are in. Make room for improvement by making a change one step at a time. Live and love life!!
    (((((HUGS)))

  2. Well, I happen to love myself and live life to the fullest. However annoyed that other’s value. Everybody must be who ever they want or can, without other’s putting value on their body shape.

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