Missing

In my hometown I miss two dead friends. It’s sad I’ll never meet them again. Grandpa lies in the graveyard. I might visit him at some point. Been thinking about it. He has been dead now for a couple of years. Cannot really visit him other than at the graveyard, actually not that far from where he used to live. My partner’s parent and grandparents lay in the next door graveyard, a short walking distance away from my grandfather. Hmmm. I wouldn’t be able to find their grave… I never seem to find theirs. I seem to always remember wrong. My grandfather is burried at my summer job graveyard. I worked on those graveyards all summer. It is fun he chose that graveyard… where I had my summer job as a teenager. It was a rainy summer, but we kept the graves beautiful and neat. I cannot visit my partners grandparents on either side, they are all dead. My grandmother lives. But I cannot visit her, she seems animies with everyone since she got dementia. So I let it be, even though I would like to meet her. But I cannot handle what happens afterwards. Insane family. Cannot handle them. Especially the phyciatric ward person we have in our family. I know it is the brain damage at work there… it cannot help being an psycho. It is difficult to have such relatives. They really do criminal acts against you, but since you are family you don’t report them. You just try to stay away. It is sad that some people are to sick to understand they are sick themselves. It can be nice and loving and then the demons enter and then you wish you never said A. So I stay away. That means I have no contact with my father. He is not insane. But my grandmother has dementia and she is really not in her right mind and then she speaks to the insane child of hers and then it is not fun to be related. One dementia patient and one insane patient, that believes in dementia desillusions.. not the easiest to let take your energy. So I leave it be. So do my other relatives too…just saying… but my dad lives with my grandmother and cares for her… so I fucking can’t visit him… as long as she is alive. Feels like she lives forever. She is like 91 years old. She might live til she’s around 100… who knows?

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