I am in pain, in more ways than one, everyday of my life. My soul pain and sadness is perhaps the most regular pain I have. I never feel happiness for a longer period, maybe a moment, but soon enough that moment is gone too. I cannot remember having happiness a longer period. I just survive. I don’t enjoy fully. Even though I enjoy doing something, like art, my art process is also pain or some other feeling too, but seldom pure happiness. I never felt loved, even though people have said they love me. I still don’t feel loved. I don’t feel needed. I don’t feel wanted. I don’t feel anyone cares about me, other than my pets. They love, they care, they need me. I need, love and care about them too. I don’t feel needed by my partner. I don’t feel loved by my partner. I don’t feel appreciated by my partner. I don’t feel needed, loved, liked or wanted in Sweden. I don’t feel needed, wanted, liked or appreciated in the world of people. I don’t feel loved by any of my parents. I don’t feel needed by them either, never did. I don’t I fit this world. I never have. But the world needs me, but they don’t know they do…
I am often sad some time during the day. There is always something that makes me sad. Doing art can make me real sad. I often cry during my art projects. Sometimes I laugh too, but then I end up in sadness for something else. I am not depressed. I am just sad. I cry a lot. I’ve cried a lot all my life. I cry in my loneliness. I feel like a failure. I feel negative towards myself most of the time. I don’t feel the world ever cared about me, not even I. Not even I have cared about me, because if I did, I would have left many times… but I still take the neglect, bullying, unwantedness, being in the way, because it is the only thing people have given me in majority and overflow. I am so used to be unappreciated, doing things for others and never getting a thanks. That is the normal for me. I don’t need to be appreciated, cared for, have a thanks. I don’t need anything. I never did. Maybe this is one reason I cry and the crying heals me. I cry a lot.
On top of this I have pain in my legs, hips, my back, sometimes in my brain… or any other place. I have enormous difficulties standing up from sitting or laying. Sometimes I need help getting up. Sometimes my legs don’t carry me. I’m used to this. My body has gotten worse over the years. My asthma 2. Now I cannot be in a room with nuts. I need cortisone. My health is getting worse every year. I eat healthy. But I have had 2 accidents the past 2 years. My defects get worse with age. I’m not perfect. I don’t talk about the pain. But my partner sees it, my child understand it. It is just how it is. There is nothing to do. I have no diagnosis. The doctor just says I must do physio therapy, but I have no time… I haven’t got time to go to the doctor to get free from work to have time to train. I don’t have time to call a doctor to get rehabilitation money.
I don’t go to the doctor about my soul pain. No therapist. I might go to the priest, that’s all. It’s because Sweden documents everything and I don’t like when they do. I hate documentation. Yet ironically enough that is what I have done most of my work life.
Today my soul is hurting. I have tears running down my cheeks. I have lower back pain, both my arms ace, I have a hard time getting up and down from bed to go to the restroom. I feel bad. I am not in a happy state, even though I had wonderful classes this weekend. I have pain in one hip and down one of my legs too. But I don’t complain. Other’s have it worse. I write about it. That’s all.