Work

I haven’t worked in a permanent job in seven years. I don’t know how to be anything but a temp anymore. The longest I’ve been is six months in a project assignment, the other ones where 5 and 3 months. Above those three I’ve only been a temp, I was in one place 2 months part-time, that is the longest hourly temp job I had in these years. I don’t know how to work with other’s for a longer period of time. The normal for me is to be just one or two days and then I might be back there every six months. I don’t know how to be in a staff group. It’s been too long. It doesn’t come natural. The longest time I’ve had to work with the same group is 1,5 years during my education, where I met my class mates continuously. That is the longest work relationship I’ve had in years. I don’t know how to be part of a team anymore. I really don’t. I don’t expect anything from my project job. I will do it, win or lose. What happens happens. I do it, until I don’t do it, how ever long that might be. It is weird but I put down I trust people in a survey, but when it comes to colleagues I don’t trust people anymore. That has been over for a long time. I really don’t like people in general. I don’t know what they think of me, or perhaps I do. Mostly I feel they are negative towards me. I prefer to not have a work group. I don’t know how to handle a work group. It is not a natural thing. I rather work alone. I am not comfortable being in one place for a year… I haven’t been more than six months anywhere. How will I manage additional 3 months on top of that? I have too. We’ll see what happens. I am uncomfortable. I am a rookie.

I know I have some kind of autism diagnosis, even though I’m not labeled. Being with colleagues doesn’t come natural. I am uncomfortable. I can handle the kids and teach… but to have colleagues … I don’t know how to be. I am so glad I am not a mentor during the fall. I managed to not have to do that. Thankful for that. I don’t have to be a mentor. I am just  teacher. It’s difficult with colleagues. I don’t know how to be. I have no identity. I don’t know how to explain it better. When you’ve been through bullying in a work place… you never come back… that is how I feel. I don’t have good experience in this field. Not from school either… so I don’t know how to be. I just know they never like me… I don’t feel liked. I don’t know how to be liked by other’s. I just try to be professional, but it doesn’t seem to be enough… I rather be in my class room when I don’t have classes, because the socializing with colleagues isn’t really my thing.

I wasn’t ready to start working. I needed this coming year to heal. I haven’t healed. I really haven’t, but CSN didn’t grant me student funds anymore and Försäkringskassan didn’t want to protect my income. I am not ready to work. I am still injured from all the years of bad employers in Sweden. From all my years in Swedish society. They have hurt me so many times for so long. I just wanted to feel safe and study for a while. I really don’t feel safe working. I feel left out, in the hands of others. Without any control of what they will do to me… as they always do. I just wanted to be accepted. I just wanted to study one year with CSN, but the state just fuck’s me. They’ve bullied me all my life. So I guess this is my life. Always being handled like trash. I just wanted to study. Not work. I am not ready. I really am not. My class mates thinks I have a enormous amount of students. 240 students/term. They looked and said that is a lot… What do I know? I’ve never worked as a teacher. How would I know what’s normal? I always do what is expected. I always deliver. Yet, I never feel either appriciated, liked or loved. No matter where I am.

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Pixabay.com

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