Well, this weekend it happens. A wedding for a friend. Ironically another friend is talking about divorce at the same time… life is wierd.
Dinner this week was nice, meet 18 of my class mates. Got time to chat. We never really had time to really do that as much during these past terms. Now it’s over and the wedding is the last chapter to meet some class mates at the same time.
I am wondering about the party my dead friend wanted us to have this year. He really wanted one, where we all meet, not just to meet at his funeral. I don’t know how that is going. I know his name gave a lot of money to kids activities. I know his partner got a dog afterwards. Cannot be that easy, being all alone, having two kids, a dog, horses, a full-time job and a house to take care of. But I hope the family is helping out. It is hard enough to be two parents and one kid with pets.
Well. Life goes on. I have really low self-esteem and I am constantly thinking bad thoughts about myself. Wondering what others think, trying to keep the thoughts away, but they are there, they pop up at home. Wondering when they say, thanks but no thanks to me… at my summer job. My partner says they won’t… but I don’t really believe my partner. I am just waiting for those complaints to come in. I just am. I am not fully functioning. My back is cracking again. Yesterday it was really bad in the evening. But so far I’ve kept it in shape during work hours. I have a had time staying awake at times… But we wary the activities during the day, so I have kept a float… so far. Thankful for that. I am fucking a broken person. I am so bad at this. Being in a office environment. I no longer know what to say… I try to be silent as much as I can. Fuck. I am not myself. I am some kind of bot at work.I don’t think I ever will function normal again. I am too broken and left on my own without any help. I’m fine when I get to stay away from Swedish work places. I cannot even handle questions like: “How do you think it’s going?”. I say “fine”. But I then think, why was the person asking? Has someone complained about me? Did I say something wrong? Was someone annoyed by me? I think… all the time. My partner says I shouldn’´t think that much, but I do… Sweden has made med broken on the work market. I don’t belong anywhere anymore. I don’t fit the “lagom” anymore. I am just waiting for the talk: “We have to let you go…” I’ve heard it so many times… I am just waiting for the regular talk. “Thanks, but we have to let you go”. It’s a relief to get the talk, then the pain can release. But then I am sad for not being able to perform again. So no matter what, everything is just bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Why do I have to work? Everything costs money. I am faulty on delivery. The world should have aborted me, so I would never have to be born. They rejected me anyways… everywhere, all the time… it seems. I don’t like to work. I wish someone supported me anyway, so I didn’t have to work.