The oposite life

Work life with many employers of shit. A private life that is stable, very stable, long, long, in a long relationship. Really, I’ve known my married partner almost all my life, if we count when we first met as children. Haha. Well. Actually I’ve known my partner almost all of my adult life really. So that one is stable, but we haven’t had a stable relationship all the time. We’ve been apart and then started all over, we’ve been just friends at times. But anyway, friendship is also a relationship status. Well, so, we’ve known each other almost all our adult life. We’ve been on and off, but we ended up with each other after our younger more instable years. Haha. Well, but you know love turns into friendship in some marriages. I think ours has. Some claim they are in love after many years, lucky those. So why hang on? I couldn’t take starting all over again. Well, I could take the starting over, but not if the new relationship would end. That is the most terrible, with things ending all the time. I don’t like that. Perhaps that is why I stay in a long friendship marriage. A long relationship. It is safer. It is trustworthy. You can stay for a long, long time. Something stable. Something long-lasting. But in new relationships you invest and then perhaps the new person leaves you. Since I am so extremly complicated and boring as a person I think finding a match is hard. A match would have to trigger my “love” inside and that is hard to start. Just “love” is easy, but being “in love”, is so difficult. I might get a love crush, but be in love? No. A crush passes, then it is perhaps even more uninteresting than being in a long friendship marriage. I rather stay, than go into something believing I would be “in love”. I don’t know if I know what being “in love” really is. I don’t know if it exists in a life-long-marriage. Does it? Some say it’s normal to not be in love. I don’t remember if I was in love once? If real love always feels like being “in love”, then I don’t think I’ve ever been in love. I love, but that is not the same. Crush feels the same, but doesn’t last a life-time. “In love” could last a life-time I hope… So I fear being left by a new partner, feeling rejected as in work life. I really couldn’t. I rather stay… or be alone. It is hard to be left behind if you happen to have a crush or even “fall in love” with someone. It is difficult. I don’t envy those dating. I find it terrible to date. How many dates before you find a  keeper? Terrible. Being a piece of meat. Terrible. Dating is like looking for a job. I hate them both. No wonder I stay married with a friend.

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