You’re not really my type

Who hasn’t heard that? I think I had a similar discussion with my partner when we once meet, when I was young. I wasn’t ugly, I wasn’t even fat back in those days. Well, my partner simply stated something similar to me not being the type it would go up to, but then again, did my partner go up to anyone? Well… of course there has been some, but it wasn’t me types. They where usually shorter. My partner had a hight issue, even though my partner isn’t short in my eyes, since my partner is taller than me, even though I am taller in high heels. Well, anyway. Enough about us in the younger years. Back then I at least was my partners body type, even though a little bit taller than his self esteem allowed… but my partner got over that.

Anyway. Before we got married I used to be fat. I lost all that weight though. My partner proposed to me when I was fat. But we married when I was fit, even though not the slimmest. I looked good. I would be happy to look like that today. Well. I am really heavy right now. So finding this video on YouTube was interesting. I have this type of body myself. Well. My partner doesn’t find me attractive anymore. Needless to say. I still feel the same and all other things are as usual. But I have a bad back, due to scolioses, a rib that hunts me in movement(used to be broken, but still bothers me) and then knees out of order due to accidents. Well. So I am not the regular partner that used to be able to do everything. So I am not the person my partner married. I am fat, I cannot do all the things I could do before. I need more help in running the show at home. I am not attractive in my body, but my partner still finds my face attractive. I just don’t have an attractive body. Needless to say, I don’t. If I was single, I would stay single. I don’t fit the market. My partner believes it isn’t a problem to find a new one. Well. I think it is, in Stockholm people want “fitness bodies”. I won’t be one. I don’t strive for that either. But to admit it, I hate my belly, my big fat belly. Everything else is just great. Couldn’t be happier, but my belly disturbs me. It is in my way. For everything really. For my ribs. For my back. For my comfort. For my clothes. But when I lose weight, the belly doesn’t go away. I need to lose a lot of weight. I would need to lose 30, perhaps even 40kilo. But, I study, I work, I have bad back, bad knees and asthma. I don’t have time. I don’t like cooking. I don’t like meat. So GI food is difficult, which my hormones would want to eat.

I know I am discriminated as a fat person. I am unintelligent in the eyes of the world. I let myself go. Not even my partner is happy about it. Trying to give me hints like a gym card one Christmas. I asked my partner about these things and my partner answers truthfully. My partner is a little bit ashamed that his partner is this fat. I guess this is due to how the world views us fat people. I am perhaps even ugly. Hehe. So, I guess the world hasn’t learned a thing. In the eyes of the beholder. I know others, that are not my partner, that think I am attractive. It would be nicer to have a partner that did find me attractive and not just “doable” and that likes me on the inside. My partner doesn’t love me unconditionally, even though it accepts it and lives with it. Doesn’t complain about it, other than giving a gym card or asking things at times… it knows I know I am fat, no need to say it. Well. Of course I would be happier elsewhere. It is not fun when your partner doesn’t think you are the most attractive person in the world. There is a different wibe in such a relationship. A person that feels that the partner is attracted is probably happier in the relationship. So am I happy? No. Am I unhappy? No. Have I got a bad deal with this partner? No. It supports me, even though it is not really attracted to all of me anymore. I am afterall still that young person inside, that my partner once meet. Not the small kid though. Haha. That is when we first meet, when we where small kids. My partner was at my aunts wedding as one of the kids holding the flowers. Well. Anyway. I have told my partner I want my partner to find a new one, but I don’t think my partner is looking. I would like to find a new one, but I won’t, since I know the market wouldn’t accept a fat person like me. I am fat and poor. I have a low income job. Haha. Missing a tooth in my smile as well. I have bad health. I am not the catch of the day. Haha. I also don’t like dating. I only like “til death do us apart”. Well. I am serious. I am ugly, fat, tooth missing in smile, I am also multisexual and have a gender disorder(attracted to all kinds of genders, when I am attracted), I have a bad childhood, I annoy people, I am a messersmith, I am very much not a regular person, I think I am boring, but in this I know others might say I am complicated. Well. I don’t think I would hire myself for an employment. I am high maintenance. I set the bar high and not many reach all my private goals in life. I don’t care about money, titles, occupations or such. But I do value actions. I hate smoking. I hate drugs in all forms except medicine. I admire vegans, but I am not one, even though I prefer veggie food, except soy. Well. With all this, I give you this wonderful girl on YouTube, who happens to have a boy that loves fat chicks. I do wear swim suites as I please, I never cared about what others think. I see other value, that hurts a bit, but I try not to let them get to me. But I know I don’t want to attend the interview next week, since I know they will be disappointed because of not just me being fat, but since I won’t give any references either… I really don’t like this planets humanity. The people in it are far to bias if you ask me.

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